It’s true…

…I’ve moved!!!

www.jentalkstoomuch.com

All the same nonsense is going on there. Don’t worry…I haven’t changed.

jentalkstoomuch.com

Hi Friends…if you’re wondering why I haven’t been posting lately, it’s because I’ve moved to a new URL:

www.jentalkstoomuch.com

It’s easier to remember than this one…and it’s pretty factual. I talk A LOT!

Word vomit

As I’ve mentioned before, I have little-to-no inner thought. I say most of what I think. This can be good, this can be bad, this can be embarrassing and sometimes, just sometimes this can be funny.

About five years ago I was at a party with people who grew up a little differently than I did. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a comfortable, middle class life. I went to summer camp, went cottaging, sailing…bla bla bla. But the people I was hanging out with on this particular day grew up VERY comfortable. Like ‘never having to work a day in their lives if they don’t want to’ comfortable.

So, I was at this party, in this two floor massive penthouse right downtown having a grand ole time, you know; hobnobbing, drinking Absinthe, telling jokes, laughing on the patio…when I got a chill (it was December). Luckily, one of the nice fellows at the party offered me his blazer so I wouldn’t be so cold.

After standing around talking for a while, without thinking I reached into the pocket and pulled out a business card. I asked the owner of the coat what the card was for.

He responded: ‘Oh that’s for my new Ferrari I just bought’

So, without thinking or even blinking, I announced to the entire circle we were standing in that:

“Oh…I drive a 1990 Topaz. Want to trade?”

What’s that all about? It was 2005 and I’m telling someone who just bought a NEW Ferrari that I drive a 15 year old rustmobile? And to top it off, asked him if he wanted to trade. Smooth move Woodall. Smooth move. Needless to say, no one asked for my phone number that night.

Step 1. Meet someone, Step 2. Google them

Damn that Google machine.

Part of my job is to find people. My boss will say: “I want the contact information of the brand manager at blabla(big brand here)” and because of my savvy Googling techniques, I can find them. I’m pretty confident, that if you give me a week I can find out information on anyone. Google stalking is quite the skill set that I have acquired.

The problem with this, is that my Google-stalk goes into my personal life. Now, when I meet someone new, if I think of it when I’m bored, I’ll Google them…and once I start Googling, there’s nothing that can hold me back.

Pretty much, I like most other single females commence market research on the new potential people in my life. Here are some of the things I look for:

  1. Are they on facebook?
  2. Do we have mutual friends?
  3. Are our mutual friends people I think highly of?
  4. Are they on twitter? What do they tweet about?
  5. Any public nudity?
  6. Have the been published?
  7. Are they on Linkedin (do they really work where they say they work)?
  8. Did anyone recommend them?
  9. Have they been involved in any public scandals?
  10. Are they criminals?

I realize that there are a few of you reading this that are like ‘what’s that all about?’ this girl’s crazy. I admit that part of that statement is true however –  to all my male friends that are less crazy, and my long coupled off girlfriends…this is just what WE do (WE being most single ladies). This is so common, that they talk about Googling people in movies, magazines…even on the Tyra Banks show, Fox, and CNN. That’s right people CNN.

We live in an age of information, so why wouldn’t you gather as much information that’s available?

Here’s why – LinkedIn. Don’t go there. This ‘research’ that you are gathering on your new interest is quasi normal (emphasis on quasi), however…on LinkedIn, they can see who clicked on their profile. Which means…they can see that YOU Google-stalked them. So you go from harmlessly looking up your potential suitor, to crazy psycho girl.

And the fact that it takes away from the excitement of it all. But goodness, pressing SEARCH can be so much fun!

Restaurant quality pasta?

Pizza Hut has been advertising their new line of pasta for a while now. Their hitch is that the pasta is ‘restaurant quality’.

What’s that all about? I was under the assumption that Pizza Hut was a RESTAURANT and that if I ate there, I was eating restaurant food.

This makes me question what the pizza is made of and brings a series of questions to mind:

  • Is the pizza ‘restaurant quality’?
  • What is lower than ‘restaurant quality’?
  • If it’s not ‘restaurant quality’, then what quality is it?

To sum it up: I’m confused. Je ne comprends pas!!!

Nothing like getting pants’d

My 21st birthday was quite a series of fortunate and unfortunate events.

Fortunate:

  • My godparents gave me the best bottle of Champers I’ve had to date!
  • My friends from Windsor drove up to see me
  • My roommates hosted a mini-pre party before the real party
  • My boyfriend at the time (Darren) came up with a childhood friend of mine (let’s call him Carl Fyons)
  • We had a million people sleep over because the party was so good, including my roommates brother Jack

Unfortunate:

  • I was diagnosed with Mono that afternoon
  • When helping my boyfriend unpack the car, I took out bags that belonged to his friends that drove him to Guelph – they were on their way to a wedding near Toronto, and I took their suits on them…oops
  • Jack pants’d me
  • Carl Fyons saw my bird

So, because I had Mono, my boyfriend and I took off early from the bar to go to bed. When everyone came home they were all loud, drunk and still rowdy, so I went up to see how the rest of the night was.

Jack was passed out on one of the three couches in our living room, so I stood in front of him and was talking to the girls and Carl. Then all of a sudden, I felt a tug on my PJ’s and my pants were on the floor. I got pants’d. What’s that all about? Who pants a girl? Apparently Jack does.

With my bare bottom in Jack’s face and my lady parts exposed to the girls and Carl, I pulled my t-shirt down, sat on the couch and yelled to the room “Carl Fyons saw my bird”.

I wasn’t mad that Jack pants’d me, in truth it was really funny. But c’mon, who pants a girl?

Girls can’t ghost.

At a work outing I was standing with two of my bosses, when they decided that they wanted to head out. They brought up the common question asked before one leaves a bar: “to ghost, or not to ghost?”

Ghosting…What’s that all about?

Ghosting, well one of it’s definitions,  is to leave a bar or event with out letting your friends know – ex. Poof! He’s gone. The thing about ‘ghosting’ is that only men can do it.

Below is what happens if a man decides to ‘ghost':

  • “Where’d Bill go?” “I don’t know”

Below is a list of reactions that could happen if  a girl decides to ‘ghost':

  • Excessive calling to their handset
  • Search parties set out on the hunt
  • Other girls in the group yelling at each other
  • Crying, lots of crying
  • Potential fights with friends that could last for years
  • Getting reamed out when found
  • Years of ‘remember when’ stories, that one may have wanted to forget

So ladies, my advice – find one friend and just say bye. It just may save you years of grief.