FYI – Gloria Estefan is not a valid excuse for speeding

When I was in third year university I was in a long distance relationship with a fella from my hometown. Because of how infatuated I was, I went home pretty much every weekend.

By nature, I’m a pretty competitive person. Suffice it to say…I love winning. Even winning against myself. So, at this point in my life I had a bit of a lead foot. I liked to see if I could shave time off my drive every week. However, I wasn’t too careless – except, when listening to music.

I was driving along the 401 when a Gloria Estefan song came on.

I’m not sure if you’re like me, but when I listen to music, I often find myself driving faster or slower depending on the beat.  And with Gloria…you almost always have a good beat.

Back to the story:

I was driving near Woodstock, singing along and dancing to Gloria, when I see lights in my rear view mirror. I look at my speedometer and I was going 143 (holy crap bag).

The officer pulled me over, came up to my window, told me how fast I was going and asked me why I was speeding.

I responded, “I was listening to Gloria Estefan and I just got carried away” – I really said that. On top of that, I burst into tears as I said it. What’s that all about? I couldn’t have come up with a better response? Do I really need to be inappropriately honest at all times? And, what’s with the tears? How stereotypical could I have been?

The officer, took my license to his car, did whatever they do in there and came back to me. Luckily, he said that he had to give me a ticket, but he was going to knock it down to 128. He said that I needed to lose the points to learn the lesson.

Lesson learned: NO DRIVING TO GLORIA…she’s just to damn exciting.

Good Idea, Bad Idea

I lived in residence in first year university with my good friend Teri from summer camp. Teri and I are VERY SIMILAR, she’s just as much of a nut job as I am, and I love it. Anyway, Teri and I made friends with a great group of girls and we pretty much spent every day together.

A bunch of us got together one day and went down to the music room to play around on the piano and just goof around. Because first year unfortunately was a long time ago, I’m only going to tell you the details I remember:

- Stephanie and I wondered if I could fit in between the two ‘sound proof’ doors.
- After carefully assessing the situation, we determined this would be possible.
- I stood in between the two doors and Stephanie pushed the one shut.
- We accomplished the goal, everyone laughed.
- The doors get stuck.
- I FREAK OUT, total and complete panic because I might be a little claustrophobic.
- All the R.A.’s are having a meeting right beside the music room.
- They said ‘calm down, we’re going to call the fire department’.
- Teri scolds me into calming down.
- I move away from the hinges causing the stress on the door to release and the doors open.

CRISIS AVERTED. What’s that all about? Who attempts to shove their body between two wooden doors? On what planet would that be a good idea.

Good Idea – Closing doors when you enter a room.

Bad Idea – Trying to fit yourself between the two doors past the age of eleven.

Why are you still single?

Have you ever been on a date when in the middle of the conversation your date asks you the dreaded question…

This question is like a taking the pin out of grenade when your not ready. Like Pandora’s box, who knows what could come out. Below are some example responses that may turn your date awkward:

Example – lies

• I’ve been too busy learning to become an astronaut, I haven’t had much time to date
• I just haven’t met anyone worth settling down with – odds are that’s a giant lie and really they got DUMPED
• I’ve been focusing on my band/music and I haven’t had much time for anything – yeah anything…except partying

Example – awkward moments

• Your date sits and stares blankly at you as they try to think of a response that doesn’t make them seem crazy – my personal favourite
• They get up and leave the table
• They get so nervous that their body starts to disagree with them and makes inappropriate noises
• Your date starts to sweat so much that it looks like they got caught in the rain

Example – honesty you didn’t want to hear

• I’m clingy
• I’ve cheated on everyone I’ve dated
• I don’t shower
• I’m too busy staying in with my cat to date

For me, when I’m in this situation my first thought is (please read in a completely defensive and aggressive tone)…”Because I am…Dick! Why are you still single? What’s wrong with you?   I’m 28, I’m pretty sure I haven’t reached ‘old hag’ status yet.”

After that knee jerk reaction, I think to myself that the person is asking a fairly reasonable question. They are just checking to make sure that I’m normal.

And then I get really nervous. All of my past mistakes, all of my past relationships, and all of the painful and embarrassing memories I have come rolling through my brain like a tidal wave. What’s that all about?

What I think I should do…well, what we all should do is come up with a calculated response and/or experience, so that if the dreaded question ‘why are you still single’ ever comes our way again we’ll be prepared. We’ll have a battle plan.

My plan:

Accidentally I’ll spill my drink all over the table (maybe it will spill on to my dates lap too…who knows) because of this we’ll need the server to come and help us. By the time the disaster is cleared up, my date will have forgotten that he asked the question that ‘no one should say out loud’ and we can move on to having a lovely, soaked pants dinner.

Headphones all around me

Lately at work, I’ve been working alone in the boardroom because I am researching and I need to focus. Today, was the first day I sat at my desk in about 2 weeks. Five minutes after sitting at my desk, I noticed that people who don’t normally put headphones on all were racing to “listen to music”.

Taybird

What’s that all about? I think they are implying that I talk too much.