3 Kinds of Men – theories from my early 20’s

In university, my roommates and I came up with a theory. Our theory was that in our long quest for love, essentially, we are looking for a Dolphin. You see, Dolphins mate for life. And since they mate for life and since we were mermaids, this all made sense. Right?

Holy crap, we were weird!

Anyway, one afternoon  I was heading to the bus because I was skipping one of my classes when I ran into one of the girls and decided to go to her class instead. As I sat beside Melissa, I decided to write her a short story about her meeting her ‘dolphin’.

This is when the 3 Kinds of Men theory unraveled itself;  I will explain:

The Dolphin

The Dolphin is the kind of guy you end up with. He’s the guy who calls you back, buys you flowers, understands your craziness and loves you for it. The thing about Dolphins is that although you may have found a Dolphin, he may not be your Dolphin. If you discover this, you need to set him free as you are keeping a lovely Mermaid away from her MFL (mate for life).

The Shark

The Shark is the playboy. He’s the guy who every girl wants and he’s probably already slept with half your friends. He’s openly a dirtbag and you can’t get mad at him for it. He owns it. If you do get hurt by a Shark, it’s your own fault as you saw all the warning signs…as in he told you that he has a million girls on the go.

There is a slight disclaimer with Sharks, some say that  a Shark could stop being a Shark and become a Dolphin. I’ve never seen it, but if someone ever nails down George Clooney for good, then we’ll know.

The Swordfish

The Swordfishes are the worst of the bunch.

You see, Swordfishes dress up in Dolphin masks. They start off with all the flowers, all the door opening, all the calling…BUT THEN the serrated edge of their nose cuts through the Dolphin mask and you are left with cuts and wounds all over your person. What’s that all about? Rather than being a Shark and owning their DIRTBAGGERY, they hide behind having a girlfriend all the while having ‘girls on the side‘.


Anyway…this isn’t for real. It’s just silly, early 20’s nonsense.

I’d love to hear the ‘3 Kinds of Women’ as a rebuttal.


16 responses to “3 Kinds of Men – theories from my early 20’s

  1. The shark is the only way to go. Guys are a waste of time.

  2. Love love love it Jenny. Miss your face.
    FYI – In Australia they use shark for fish & chips.

  3. Negative…take that back.

    Secondly…some dudes grow into Dolphins…I’m just not quite sure where this fits in.

  4. oh girl, you bet I will rebuttal this.

  5. I’m betting it’ll be a good one!

  6. Interesting theory. Maybe the Dolphin’s turn into swordfish if they get “released” from to many women’s affection?

  7. Rachel Vincent

    First, I adore this analogy.
    Second, your picture of the shark is pure awesomeness. I assume it was jumping up to grab some poor little penguin…
    Third, I personally have never seen the shark to dolphin transition, but I have a lot more believe in the possibility than a swordfish turning into a dolphin. Is that even possible? I think not.

  8. thebitchywriter

    I guess you’re right, but sharks are just so darn fun to be around. They provide the thrills and chills that a dolphin just can’t; )

  9. I counter this with my theory on the three types of women…

    Outside of the work place, I group women into three classifications:

    Class A) Women, I am actively trying to sleep with.
    Class B) Women, I would sleep with, but I am not actively trying to.
    Class C) Women I don’t talk to.

  10. And where do LGBTQ individuals fall into this spectrum?

  11. Dear Just Me…I don’t know. I wrote this from my straight girl perspective.

    I’d have to do some interviewing to see! Can you provide any analogies?

  12. This was fab. You told me about this theory and I’ve gotta admit, those effing sharks make my heart beat faster than the dolphins. oh well.

  13. Paul brings up a theory I’ve heard about before: guys aren’t friends with girls they weren’t at one point attracted to.

    I wonder if that’s true or not.

  14. hey!

    just came across your blog don’t know how! lol ur so funny and my friends and I all read it now, and we all say “that is SO effin true” when we read what you write. Why did you stop?! Please please please write more. I told everyone i know to follow your blog and then you stopped! WHY!?! LOL

  15. Last night a truth was bestowed upon us from one blonde cheerio on Glee: dolphins are just gay sharks. Roomie, we looked at each other and you exclaimed, “we’re screwed!”

    As if that line weren’t already hilarious enough, it takes on entirely new meaning when you base it on this theory.

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