The myself trainer

A few weeks back I was channel surfing, when I stopped at Man in the Iron Mask. As per usual, I got right into it (I may love Leo just a touch).

Because I was so into the show, I did not continue my channel surfing when the commercials started to play, I watched them all. They were your typical Saturday afternoon commercials ex. yogurt commercials, lady time commercials and sad reality shows (I’m too fat, Love your naked self…etc).

BUT then came the next commercial. The ad started with a woman in her mid 40’s jumping on a trampoline admitting to the world that she could jump with out even a drizzle. What’s that all about? Did not expect that. This was when I questioned what channel I was watching. Turns out it was the Diva network  – which explains a lot.

This ‘trainer’ helps you strengthen you pelvic muscles. My initial thoughts were: Does a coach come to your house? Is it an instructional book? What kind of channel/show am I watching? AND maybe I need to rethink the type of programming that I watch because the show I was watching was targeted to 45+ women. Clearly I needed to answer my questions, so I went to the website: www.jumpformyself.com

Turns out, they are selling a ‘strengthener’ ‘trainer’ that to me, looks like something you would buy at Aren’t We Naughty.

The above picture is the:

Plus 3 Value Set

Myself® Trainer Value Set includes 3 additional sensors for consistent use.
Limited Time Free Shipping* ($21.95 value)
INCLUDES:

  • 1 Myself® Trainer with full-color display
  • 1 Vaginal Sensor with cover for hygienic storage
    PLUS 3 additional vaginal sensors
  • 1 Premium storage case
  • Easy, step-by-step Use & Care Guide
  • Progress Tracker, to see your results!

Yep, that’s right, a progress checker. You can now measure how strong your hoo-ha is, whenever you want. I’m thinking that this may be a whole new level of laziness. If a woman can’t bring herself to flex and compress and she needs a machine to do it for her, I’m pretty sure that today’s woman needs a good head shaking. Who knows though, maybe when I’m a grown-up I’ll rethink my position on this.

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Along came a spider

Where I work, primarily, I work directly with Tay. She and I are like partners in crime -aka. Batman and Robin (I will at some point write about an email chain I once had explaining our ‘worknership’ – I’m in marketing, I can make words up if I want to).  To sum it up, we send joint emails, if someone makes fun of her I push them, we bicker in public…you get the gist.

Anyway, in April we had two wonderful employees (Scotty and Laura) leave to start their next life adventures.  Because of this we were all heading out, having some cocktails and then going to Lou Dawgs for some Loutine…mmm Loutine!

Despite the fact that we work in a fairly young office, we rarely go out as a company. We don’t really go for after work drinks and we don’t really meet up on weekends unless it’s a birthday. For the most part, we have SO much fun together during the week (I promise that isn’t sarcastic), that we are all fine to see our other friends on evenings and weekends…plus almost everyone here is married or may as well be.

On this particular day, in the morning Tay-bird screamed in excruciating itchiness that she had a huge bug bite that looked like a spider bite. So, she rubbed a little cream on it and hoped it would chill out shortly.

Side note: On this particular day Tay was right and ready to go out – this is a very rare occasion, one that must be celebrated to the highest extent that one can celebrate.

The festivities began right when the clock hit 5:30. We had a champagne toast, gave some cards and played some Rock Band. This is when we noticed that her spider bite was starting to swell.

We headed to our destination, got out of our perspective cars and walked over to Lou Dawgs. Her foot at this point pretty much doubled in width and was now spreading up her cankle – oh sorry, I meant ankle.

She and I walked over to Shoppers Drug Mart, where the pharmacist suggested that she may need to go to the hospital if the spreading did not stop. Drunk and in disbelief, she and I headed to the allergy pill section and up to the cash. Her foot had now started to change colours and was ginormous, so naturally, forgetting we were in public,  we began speaking in Tay’s foot voice:

“I will crush you” said the foot.

We headed back to the party and to our dismay she had to leave because her foot hurt too much.

It turned out that she ended up having to go to the emergency room the next day because it started to spread up her leg. What’s that all about? AND on the one night she was ready let her hair down –  she gets bit by a SPIDER? That’s just crazy.

Tay-bird was the butt of jokes when she returned back to the office – after having to take a sick day to elevate her poor little (giant) foot. So, over the next few weeks, her foot was assigned  a few TO-DO’s on our scheduling board:

1) Change colour

2) Get smaller

3) Learn Spanish

Damn foot didn’t learn Spanish, but after a month completed the first two -TO-DO’s. In conclusion, some crazy spider bug bit Tay and now when she goes home at night time she looks like this:

Guest Post – Square on the penis

Hello All! I’m realizing now that I should have introduced Max. I think I thought that because he introduced himself, that I didn’t need to…so better late than never. Max is a very talented creative writer. From writing for his blog, writing ads for work, or writing comedy skits for NBA players, Max’s sense of humour is up there with the funniest of the funniest. I’m thinking we’ll be hearing lots about him later in his career; whether he ends up writing for SNL, writing for a sitcom, or just writing anything awesome, Max will take the comedic world by storm.

Square on the penis

Hello WTAA readers, my name is Max and I work/live close to Ms. what’s-that-all-about herself, which I must say, is fairly awesome. I recently experienced a very peculiar incident and thought it would be perfect to share on this weblog. And that is the end of my introduction.

Two weeks ago I went to meet some Aussie friends at a pub for a few drinks near Queen and Niagara. For those of you not from Toronto, this is a corner where you’re just as likely to cross paths with a disheveled homeless person as a young rich person with trendier sunglasses than you. The meeting went well (I’m almost certain I single-handedly facilitated a sloppy make-out between one of the young Aussies and a rather large woman) and seeing as it was past my bed time, I decided to head home. I started to walk west and just as I passed this slow-walking gaggle of women, my evening, and the dryness of my pants, drastically changed.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a two-toned Audi TT speed down the empty street and then it happened: a full bottle of Aberfoyle water flew from the open window, past the gawking gaggle of women and hit me directly in the dick. Yes, someone threw a full bottle of water from a speeding car and hit me square on the penis.

What the eff is that all about?

So I’m standing there with this stain emanating from my junk region and a million thoughts run through my head. Actually, 5 thoughts ran through my head:

  1. Did I just get hit in the dick with a full bottle of water?
  2. If he was aiming at me, part of me can’t even be mad because that was an incredible throw. I mean, shit, I’m the type of guy who “beat” Duck Hunt by holding the gun right against the screen and this guy just hit the bulls-eye from 20 feet away whilst doing 60 in an uncomfortably low car.
  3. Are those chicks actually laughing at me? Because I was literally right beside them when it happened, meaning there’s a good chance they were the targets. Either way, they’re pretty ugly so I guess we all have our problems.
  4. Where are the police at when you need them? This was on the Thursday before the G20, meaning I literally saw over 150 police officers on that strip of Queen St. over a two hour span that night. Yet, when an actual act of  terrorism goes down (don’t dismiss that claim, my pants, penis and ego were terrorized) the only people to witness this 2-million-hit-worthy YouTube video are a gang of apparently mirror-less “ladies” who think Ke$ha is the next Madonna.
  5. My dick kinda hurts.

And that’s it. As I walked home, the water and anger slowly evaporated and I thought about how I was going to tell this story a hundred times the next day. Somehow, I only shared it a few times since but I’m happy to share it with you now. And so just in case you were wondering, that’s what getting hit in the dick with a full bottle of water is all about.

Oh yeah…we live together

I sent out a message to my Tweeter followers, asking for a little help on ideas for blog posts because they haven’t been coming to me as easily lately…seems as though I need to walk into another street sign or something.

When a girlfriend of mine msn’s me this:

  • 6 flirtatious hang-outs
  • 3 of them professional networking hangs
  • 1 scooter ride (included with one of the below dinners)
  • 2 three hour magical dinners
  • And…1 movie night

Turns out on movie night lover boy confessed that he had just moved in with his girlfriend. WTF – took six hangs to disclose this information? ASS!

This made me remember what happened to me a couple of Octobers ago:

When I was 19 I met a fellow who I had an on again/off again (mostly off again)  ‘relationship’ with for over seven years. In 2007 I decided that our entire relationship was unhealthy, and that I needed to call it quits.

Then, in 2009 I started to get emails from (for the sake of this post let’s call him Larry) him. Larry’s emails were friendly:

“How are you?”

“What’s going on in your life?”

“I’m in Toronto on business sometimes if you want to get together for dinner…”

At first I thought I shouldn’t meet him for dinner as I had cut Larry out of my life when I went through a state of cleansing my life of bad decisions. But then, I thought to myself ‘why not?’ we always had so much fun together, it would be nice to have a friendly (just friendly) catch up.

I didn’t want to make a bad decision with him…I just thought this was perfect.

He called me during the day to see where I wanted to go for dinner and then he suggested having dinner in the restaurant in his hotel.

Clearly, this was a horrible idea, so I suggested him coming to get me  and we could go to a restaurant downtown.

We ended up heading to the Bier Markt. The waiter came around to take our drink order. Larry ordered a beer and I ordered a double Belvedere on the rocks. I figured since a) I’m not trying to impress this guy to try and get a second date – this was our millionth , and b) it was a little creepy of him to suggest having dinner at his hotel –  I could order the exact drink that I wanted.

Next it was time to order dinner, since he ordered the steak (and that’s what I wanted) I ordered the steak…medium rare (but closer to rare then medium).

We chatted for a while, had some good laughs, I made a bunch of jokes at his expense, when finally I asked him if he was dating anyone.

His response – “Yeah..um, I wasn’t going to tell you this, but I bought a house, and live there with my girlfriend of …”

At that point I tuned him out, I think he said of 2 years or something like that.

Summary:

1) Random email to a girl you dated on and off for 7 years

2) Suggestion of a ‘dinner’

3) Suggestion of a dinner at the hotel

4) Oh yeah, you WEREN’T going to tell her about your girlfriend

What’s that all about? Maybe his intentions weren’t as tawdry as they came across, but come on…dinner in the hotel restaurant? How about a night cap to finish it off? And anyway, should these men not have disclosed this information sooner? Like right away? Drop a little ‘we’ statement in there?

Larry wasn’t even going to tell me he lived with his lady…that was mega shady. Regardless, I’m now a firm believer that if you a) have a girlfriend and/or b) live with your girlfriend – you need to confess ASAP, otherwise you come off as a douche!

Happy Endings

A few weeks ago myself and some friends headed to the cottage for a nice escape from the city. When we were there, a few of the dudes began talking about about all the terms the Porn industry has forever changed. For example: Happy Endings.

To me a ‘happy ending’ is how every Disney and romantic comedy ends – love and enchantment. Now-a-days it means something a little less innocent, and a little more ‘massaged’. AND since porn is everywhere (please note, I’m not really complaining, just pointing out reality) – late night TV, on your computers, on your phones – teenagers no longer have to sneak their older brothers Playboy’s under their beds or stay up really late to watch Baby Blue. What’s that all about? It’s everywhere now, there’s no effort into finding it anymore and because of this these terms are getting more and more tainted and are being used less and less in their natural form.

Anyway, here’s a list of a few other common terms that porn has in some peoples eyes ruined, and in others made better, followed by my ideal definition for each selected term:

Happy Endings – a kiss and a ride off on a unicorn

Facials – getting worked on to have really soft face skin

Pearl Necklace –  an AMAZING gift

Fluff – marshmallow spread

Bear – cuddly and soft –  ex. teddy bear, Smokey the Bear, Care Bears

Tag-team – an efficient partnership

Shocker – news you don’t expect – example statement: “they canceled Big Macs at McDonalds” example response: “whoa, that was a shocker”

Money shot – G-O-A-L, top right corner

Motor-boating – best line from the wedding crashers…this one stands as is

Squirt – Lemony type soda pop

Camel toe – a camels foot

So, now that I’ve encouraged you all to get your heads out of the gutter, try to come up with your own definitions for those terms. It really adds some enjoyment to your day.

Don’t think we can’t see you

I wanted to give some party/club goers a little food for thought:

Just because you don’t make eye contact with us, doesn’t mean we can’t see you. (I’ll get back to this in a moment)

A few weeks ago myself and some girlfriends from high school went out to celebrate Andrea’s bachelorette (the wedding is on the 3rd of July…really excited). It was rainy yet wonderfully hot so we all were in a great mood. After enjoying a few pints and listening to a local artist an amazing decision was made to go to a dance club so that we could pull out our A moves.

See A moves:

Next: Please notice the couple behind my beautiful friend Amie.

1) They are holding hands

2) If you could see her face, she was a little mortified…but into it

3) He’s whispering in her ear

4) They are trying to act cool and as if no one could notice them…EVERYONE noticed them

Now what you don’t see, is that at one point it appeared as though her skirt hiked up and his pants unzipped. What’s that all about? There we were at Ange’s Bach party dancing our tail feathers off when we looked over and witnessed gross ‘public private touching’.

The thing is – and what scares me a little – I think this may be a common practice for some people, young people in particular. I think this because no one was all that surprised, not one of us. We all just laughed really hard and thought it would probably be some good content.

So, to all those risk takers and ‘public private touchers’…maybe find a corner? a bathroom stall perhaps? Because my young friends if you’re on the dance floor – we can see you, we all can see you.

Neutrogena Wave…

The Neutrogena Wave now has two settings:

1) Gentle
2) Deep

What’s that all about? In the words of Seth and Amy…REALLY?

It comes across as socially acceptable ‘crotch massager’ for teenagers. JS-ing, know your market.