Tag Archives: crazy

Step 1. Meet someone, Step 2. Google them

Damn that Google machine.

Part of my job is to find people. My boss will say: “I want the contact information of the brand manager at blabla(big brand here)” and because of my savvy Googling techniques, I can find them. I’m pretty confident, that if you give me a week I can find out information on anyone. Google stalking is quite the skill set that I have acquired.

The problem with this, is that my Google-stalk goes into my personal life. Now, when I meet someone new, if I think of it when I’m bored, I’ll Google them…and once I start Googling, there’s nothing that can hold me back.

Pretty much, I like most other single females commence market research on the new potential people in my life. Here are some of the things I look for:

  1. Are they on facebook?
  2. Do we have mutual friends?
  3. Are our mutual friends people I think highly of?
  4. Are they on twitter? What do they tweet about?
  5. Any public nudity?
  6. Have the been published?
  7. Are they on Linkedin (do they really work where they say they work)?
  8. Did anyone recommend them?
  9. Have they been involved in any public scandals?
  10. Are they criminals?

I realize that there are a few of you reading this that are like ‘what’s that all about?’ this girl’s crazy. I admit that part of that statement is true however –  to all my male friends that are less crazy, and my long coupled off girlfriends…this is just what WE do (WE being most single ladies). This is so common, that they talk about Googling people in movies, magazines…even on the Tyra Banks show, Fox, and CNN. That’s right people CNN.

We live in an age of information, so why wouldn’t you gather as much information that’s available?

Here’s why – LinkedIn. Don’t go there. This ‘research’ that you are gathering on your new interest is quasi normal (emphasis on quasi), however…on LinkedIn, they can see who clicked on their profile. Which means…they can see that YOU Google-stalked them. So you go from harmlessly looking up your potential suitor, to crazy psycho girl.

And the fact that it takes away from the excitement of it all. But goodness, pressing SEARCH can be so much fun!

Why are you still single?

Have you ever been on a date when in the middle of the conversation your date asks you the dreaded question…

Why are you still single?

This question is like a taking the pin out of grenade when your not ready. Like Pandora’s box, who knows what could come out. Below are some example responses that may turn your date awkward:

Example – lies

  • I’ve been too busy learning to become an astronaut, I haven’t had much time to date
  • I just haven’t met anyone worth settling down with – odds are that’s a giant lie and really they got DUMPED
  • I’ve been focusing on my band/music and I haven’t had much time for anything – yeah anything…except partying

Example – awkward moments

  • Your date sits and stares blankly at you as they try to think of a response that doesn’t make them seem crazy – my personal favourite
  • They get up and leave the table
  • They get so nervous that their body starts to disagree with them and makes inappropriate noises
  • Your date starts to sweat so much that it looks like they got caught in the rain

Example – honesty you didn’t want to hear

  • I’m clingy
  • I’ve cheated on everyone I’ve dated
  • I don’t shower
  • I’m too busy staying in with my cat to date

For me, when I’m in this situation my first thought is (please read in a completely defensive and aggressive tone)…”Because I am…Dick! Why are you still single? What’s wrong with you?   I’m 28, I’m pretty sure I haven’t reached ‘old hag’ status yet.”

After that knee jerk reaction, I think to myself that the person is asking a fairly reasonable question. They are just checking to make sure that I’m normal.

And then I get really nervous. All of my past mistakes, all of my past relationships, and all of the painful and embarrassing memories I have come rolling through my brain like a tidal wave. What’s that all about?

What I think I should do…well, what we all should do is come up with a calculated response and/or experience, so that if the dreaded question ‘why are you still single’ ever comes our way again we’ll be prepared. We’ll have a battle plan.

My plan:

Accidentally I’ll spill my drink all over the table (maybe it will spill on to my dates lap too…who knows) because of this we’ll need the server to come and help us. By the time the disaster is cleared up, my date will have forgotten that he asked the question that ‘no one should say out loud’ and we can move on to having a lovely, soaked pants dinner.