Flashing before my eyes

I assume that reading this title you are thinking that I’m going to write about someone dropping their pants in front of me. This is not the case.

This  story is literally about a moment in my life when my life flashed before my eyes.

I was driving along highway 401, on my way to pick up my friend Melissa so that we could head up for a nice winter weekend in Muskoka. When I got to the exit for the 407 (the fast toll highway), I noticed that there was a car in the ditch and there was a tow truck driver working on getting the car out.

So because it was snowing a bit, and their was snow on the highway, I decided it would be a good idea to switch lanes to give them room. BAD IDEA!!!

My car spun out. What’s that all about? I was trying to be a cautious driver.

It did about a 900°. When It finally stopped spinning, I looked up and their was a transport truck heading straight for me.

As I faced the semi heading straight at me, my entire life flashed before my eyes – my friends, my family, my stupid ex-boyfriends, my cat, the cottage, summer…the list went on and on.

Luckily, the truck ended up missing my car by about 2 feet. IT WAS INSANE.

In what felt like an hour (probably about 30s) the tow truck driver who was helping the other guy walked over to my car, opened my door and said:

“You just made me S*$% my pants”

I responded:

“I think I just S*$% my own pants”

Neither of us actually had an accident, but if we did, I wouldn’t have judged either of us.

Neither should you – Judgy McJudgerson!

Why are you still single?

Have you ever been on a date when in the middle of the conversation your date asks you the dreaded question…

This question is like a taking the pin out of grenade when your not ready. Like Pandora’s box, who knows what could come out. Below are some example responses that may turn your date awkward:

Example – lies

• I’ve been too busy learning to become an astronaut, I haven’t had much time to date
• I just haven’t met anyone worth settling down with – odds are that’s a giant lie and really they got DUMPED
• I’ve been focusing on my band/music and I haven’t had much time for anything – yeah anything…except partying

Example – awkward moments

• Your date sits and stares blankly at you as they try to think of a response that doesn’t make them seem crazy – my personal favourite
• They get up and leave the table
• They get so nervous that their body starts to disagree with them and makes inappropriate noises
• Your date starts to sweat so much that it looks like they got caught in the rain

Example – honesty you didn’t want to hear

• I’m clingy
• I’ve cheated on everyone I’ve dated
• I don’t shower
• I’m too busy staying in with my cat to date

For me, when I’m in this situation my first thought is (please read in a completely defensive and aggressive tone)…”Because I am…Dick! Why are you still single? What’s wrong with you?   I’m 28, I’m pretty sure I haven’t reached ‘old hag’ status yet.”

After that knee jerk reaction, I think to myself that the person is asking a fairly reasonable question. They are just checking to make sure that I’m normal.

And then I get really nervous. All of my past mistakes, all of my past relationships, and all of the painful and embarrassing memories I have come rolling through my brain like a tidal wave. What’s that all about?

What I think I should do…well, what we all should do is come up with a calculated response and/or experience, so that if the dreaded question ‘why are you still single’ ever comes our way again we’ll be prepared. We’ll have a battle plan.

My plan:

Accidentally I’ll spill my drink all over the table (maybe it will spill on to my dates lap too…who knows) because of this we’ll need the server to come and help us. By the time the disaster is cleared up, my date will have forgotten that he asked the question that ‘no one should say out loud’ and we can move on to having a lovely, soaked pants dinner.

The dog owner double standard: what’s that all about?

If you’ve been reading my blog from start to finish, you may have noticed that the only theme I have (as everything is pretty random on here) is that every post has “what’s that all about?” in bold letters. Typically, it is not in the title and you don’t know when it’s coming. It’s like a Kinder Surprise.

Now, because I feel so passionately about this topic (slight exaggeration) I have placed the WTAA in the title of this post.

Background:

I own a cat. I love him, his name is Turner and he’s perfect.

Actually, he is sitting beside me purring as I type this. Since the day I brought him home, people have considered me cat lady. Not lying – I started to receive porcelain cats from people (I currently have two), cat email forwards, decks of cards with cats on them, cat jokes at my expense, over sized cat wood carvings, abstract cat sculptures, etc, etc. Mind you, I have embraced it a little bit. I do own leopard print, I love vintage fur and I talk about my little guy a lot. HOWEVER, I still believe in the bottom of my heart that I am not a true cat lady. I only have one for g’s-sake.

Purpose:

Why is it, that dog owners can be totally obsessed with their dogs and they do not get labeled something so negative? Dog owners have facebook groups.  Dog owners sit around and talk about their dogs for hours. Dog owners buy CLOTHES for their dogs. Dog owners make twitter accounts for their dogs. Dog owners have photo albums dedicated solely to their dogs. Dog owners set up play dates. Dog owners talk gibberish in public. Dog owners think it’s ok to bring their dogs everywhere. These women and men are not labeled Dog Ladies, or Dog Gents. They just love their dogs.

I do not have a twitter account for my cat (ie. @delphiethedog – sorry C and C).

Conclusion:

Don’t get me wrong, I love dogs. I intend on having one…one day. However, why is it ok for people to obsess over their dogs and it’s not ok for people to obsess over their cats. What’s that all about? This double standard is quite upsetting for a single girl nearing 30 that has a cat and is terrified of being forever labeled a Cat Lady – “Hello Celibacy, my name is Jen”.

Pets are pets, you either have one or you don’t. It’s when you have too many…that’s the problem.