Along came a spider

Where I work, primarily, I work directly with Tay. She and I are like partners in crime -aka. Batman and Robin (I will at some point write about an email chain I once had explaining our ‘worknership’ – I’m in marketing, I can make words up if I want to).  To sum it up, we send joint emails, if someone makes fun of her I push them, we bicker in public…you get the gist.

Anyway, in April we had two wonderful employees (Scotty and Laura) leave to start their next life adventures.  Because of this we were all heading out, having some cocktails and then going to Lou Dawgs for some Loutine…mmm Loutine!

Despite the fact that we work in a fairly young office, we rarely go out as a company. We don’t really go for after work drinks and we don’t really meet up on weekends unless it’s a birthday. For the most part, we have SO much fun together during the week (I promise that isn’t sarcastic), that we are all fine to see our other friends on evenings and weekends…plus almost everyone here is married or may as well be.

On this particular day, in the morning Tay-bird screamed in excruciating itchiness that she had a huge bug bite that looked like a spider bite. So, she rubbed a little cream on it and hoped it would chill out shortly.

Side note: On this particular day Tay was right and ready to go out – this is a very rare occasion, one that must be celebrated to the highest extent that one can celebrate.

The festivities began right when the clock hit 5:30. We had a champagne toast, gave some cards and played some Rock Band. This is when we noticed that her spider bite was starting to swell.

We headed to our destination, got out of our perspective cars and walked over to Lou Dawgs. Her foot at this point pretty much doubled in width and was now spreading up her cankle – oh sorry, I meant ankle.

She and I walked over to Shoppers Drug Mart, where the pharmacist suggested that she may need to go to the hospital if the spreading did not stop. Drunk and in disbelief, she and I headed to the allergy pill section and up to the cash. Her foot had now started to change colours and was ginormous, so naturally, forgetting we were in public,  we began speaking in Tay’s foot voice:

“I will crush you” said the foot.

We headed back to the party and to our dismay she had to leave because her foot hurt too much.

It turned out that she ended up having to go to the emergency room the next day because it started to spread up her leg. What’s that all about? AND on the one night she was ready let her hair down –  she gets bit by a SPIDER? That’s just crazy.

Tay-bird was the butt of jokes when she returned back to the office – after having to take a sick day to elevate her poor little (giant) foot. So, over the next few weeks, her foot was assigned  a few TO-DO’s on our scheduling board:

1) Change colour

2) Get smaller

3) Learn Spanish

Damn foot didn’t learn Spanish, but after a month completed the first two -TO-DO’s. In conclusion, some crazy spider bug bit Tay and now when she goes home at night time she looks like this:

Dating = Drinking

Being the ripe ole age of 28 many of my friends are either LISING (aka. living in sin, aka. I’m joking about that term), may as well be LISING or married. So, that being said, I cannot count the times when my coupled off friends have made the comment ‘I haven’t had a drink in forever’ or ‘I haven’t been drunk in AGES’. I, myself am still single and therefore I go out on dates (some months more dates than others, but none-the-less, I am dating).

I’m not implying that I have a drinking problem or a dating problem  – I too will go AGES with out having a drink, however, when you’re dating…you’re drinking. What’s that all about? I will tell you.

Dating = Drinking – It’s a math equation:

1) First dates are awkward interviews. How many times have you been on an interview when you wished you could have a little drink to ease the stress?

2) Pretty much, until you’re ready to get down to business with someone, you want to be in a public setting – aka. Let’s meet for drinks.

3) Sad but true, having one or two drinks makes conversation easier. You’re more relaxed.

4) When it’s a bad date, a good drink can make it better.

5) Since there’s so much awkwardness around:

• should we kiss?
• should we not kiss?
• should I invite him up?
• should I not?
• what will happen if I invite him up?
• do I really want him to stay over?

5 – continued) Sad but true AGAIN, until you’re totally comfortable with someone, a light buzz makes all these decisions easier. It even makes a mad dash to the door a little easier – ex. ‘Oh there’s my cab, gotta go’ and then you bolt without even a high five.

So, when you are actively dating, like say a couple of dates a week, that means  you are having drinks a couple of times a week. So when you take that, and add it to your regular social life it equates to your liver wishing that you’d hurry up and find someone you like and are comfortable with because it’s sick of getting damaged, and your body’s tired of getting fat.

Ducking solves a lot of problems

A few months back I was out with my girlfriends for a ‘Single Ladies’ night.

First we bought tons of champers (champagne) then we decorated the apartment and put out food. Second…besides my roommate, only one other person showed up – apparently everyone is tied down right now.

So, the three of us feasted, toasted and danced around the apartment.

This night also happened to be one of my best friends birthday celebrations, so because of the large turnout…I mean lack of turnout, we headed her birthday party a little earlier than we had expected. When we arrived, we were greeted with a rainbow of 5 different shots.

Our next plan was to head to a bar that was a short distant from her apartment. When we got to the bar, we headed straight to the back and placed our coats down. There’s always people that we know at this bar, so there was a lot of back and forth from the front to the back.  Because I had a second date the next day with a fellow that I barely knew, I decided that it was time for me to slow down and just socialize for a bit.

On one of my trips from the front of the bar to the back of the bar, I somehow bumped into this insanely cute guy. He was tall, friendly and extremely attractive! We chatted for a bit about the usual small talk: where are you from? what do you do? how much money do you make (JUST KIDDING –  he’s still a student)? Anyway, we were hitting it off, so when he invited me to get a drink I naturally said yes.

We were at the bar for pretty much the rest of the night and we got a little flirty – nothing out of hand…I am a lady after all. We were talking, and I think his arm was around me (or my waist) when I looked up and…

MY DATE FOR THE NEXT DAY WALKED IN.

I couldn’t believe it. What’s that all about? Of all places in this giant city, how did he end up at the same place I was at, especially since we don’t really know each other and we do not run in the same circle.

Now, what does someone do in a situation like this? Well, what I did was:

I ducked.

My new friend at the bar was looking at me like a crazy person as I tried to go all ‘007’ on my date for the next day.

I then said to my new friend “I’m sorry, I don’t know what to do right now. I’m supposed to have a date tomorrow, with a guy I barely know, and he just walked in, and I’m with you, and I don’t know what to do”.

He laughed and responded – “That’s awkward”.

I then suggested that we head to the front of the bar so that I wasn’t in the direct eye line of my date for the next day.

Really, I don’t date that often.  I’m not some sort of serial dater…who does this happen to?

Needless to say, I avoided my date for the rest of the night, and continued to hangout with my new friend.

If you met him, you’d understand this decision.

The mating dance

On a typical Saturday night ladies everywhere gather up their girls and head out for a big night on the town. Nights on the town usually include the double D’s – dancing and drinking. For us women, the first two steps of a night out are often combined: 1) Getting ready – ladies may do this on their own, or they may congregate at one girl’s house where they get all dolled up together. 2) Pre-drink:  drinks at the bar are expensive as we know. Pre-drinks often involve: obnoxious laughter, one friend being the designated make-up artist, and shots that are usually disgusting.

The next step is getting a cab, arriving at the bar/club, grabbing a drink and heading to the flo’.

Commence the ‘mating dance’

This is where the magic happens. This is where we pull out moves we haven’t done since we were sixteen, where the shy girls no longer seem shy, and the booties are a’bouncin.

‘Semi’ approach:

Step 1) Boy approaches girl, they dance

Step 2) Boy thinks it’s appropriate to press his ‘semi’ on girls leg

Step 3) Girl runs away

***Disclaimer – the  attached pictures are not of a dude using the ‘semi’ approach – he was just trying to grind.

Okokok. What’s that all about? I’m sure that the placement of ‘bone on thigh’ has worked in the past on some girl, but odds are, the lady that your dancing with is a lady and does not want that to happen. I realize that men are always hopeful that they will be getting lucky after the bar, but come on fella’s…there are better moves than that.

Examples: the Robot, the chainsaw, the lawnmower – I’d put money on it that these moves will give you a better chance with the ladies.

At least, if you’re going to keep using the ‘semi’ approach, wait till you have an inkling that she’s into it.

3 signs that she’s into it:

1) She places her bum near the ‘semi’

2) She tries to make out with your face but misses

3) She has EASY stamped on her forehead