Guest Post – Square on the penis

Hello All! I’m realizing now that I should have introduced Max. I think I thought that because he introduced himself, that I didn’t need to…so better late than never. Max is a very talented creative writer. From writing for his blog, writing ads for work, or writing comedy skits for NBA players, Max’s sense of humour is up there with the funniest of the funniest. I’m thinking we’ll be hearing lots about him later in his career; whether he ends up writing for SNL, writing for a sitcom, or just writing anything awesome, Max will take the comedic world by storm.

Square on the penis

Hello WTAA readers, my name is Max and I work/live close to Ms. what’s-that-all-about herself, which I must say, is fairly awesome. I recently experienced a very peculiar incident and thought it would be perfect to share on this weblog. And that is the end of my introduction.

Two weeks ago I went to meet some Aussie friends at a pub for a few drinks near Queen and Niagara. For those of you not from Toronto, this is a corner where you’re just as likely to cross paths with a disheveled homeless person as a young rich person with trendier sunglasses than you. The meeting went well (I’m almost certain I single-handedly facilitated a sloppy make-out between one of the young Aussies and a rather large woman) and seeing as it was past my bed time, I decided to head home. I started to walk west and just as I passed this slow-walking gaggle of women, my evening, and the dryness of my pants, drastically changed.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a two-toned Audi TT speed down the empty street and then it happened: a full bottle of Aberfoyle water flew from the open window, past the gawking gaggle of women and hit me directly in the dick. Yes, someone threw a full bottle of water from a speeding car and hit me square on the penis.

What the eff is that all about?

So I’m standing there with this stain emanating from my junk region and a million thoughts run through my head. Actually, 5 thoughts ran through my head:

1. Did I just get hit in the dick with a full bottle of water?
2. If he was aiming at me, part of me can’t even be mad because that was an incredible throw. I mean, shit, I’m the type of guy who “beat” Duck Hunt by holding the gun right against the screen and this guy just hit the bulls-eye from 20 feet away whilst doing 60 in an uncomfortably low car.
3. Are those chicks actually laughing at me? Because I was literally right beside them when it happened, meaning there’s a good chance they were the targets. Either way, they’re pretty ugly so I guess we all have our problems.
4. Where are the police at when you need them? This was on the Thursday before the G20, meaning I literally saw over 150 police officers on that strip of Queen St. over a two hour span that night. Yet, when an actual act of  terrorism goes down (don’t dismiss that claim, my pants, penis and ego were terrorized) the only people to witness this 2-million-hit-worthy YouTube video are a gang of apparently mirror-less “ladies” who think Ke$ha is the next Madonna.
5. My dick kinda hurts.

And that’s it. As I walked home, the water and anger slowly evaporated and I thought about how I was going to tell this story a hundred times the next day. Somehow, I only shared it a few times since but I’m happy to share it with you now. And so just in case you were wondering, that’s what getting hit in the dick with a full bottle of water is all about.